What Happens When my PTSD Takes Over

posted in: Blog Entry, PTSD, Writing | 0



Originally written June 6, 2016

I have good days and bad. When they are really bad, and I’m unable to climb out of the dark abyss, there can be serious consequences. That’s what happened this time. I made a huge mistake, one I couldn’t easily fix, and I shut down. I’m very good at closing out the world, entering my own, and eventually making it out the other side. I accomplish that by writing – anything.


But what do you do when you cannot write? The words are in your mind, perfectly formed, but cannot be translated onto paper? I had somehow convinced myself that I am not good enough and it’s nothing more than word vomit smeared on the pages. And that very well may be true…use my two first novels as examples. But to me it didn’t matter. First and foremost those two novels were written for me: my story.


So I gave up. I stopped the one thing I loved, that keeps me sane, and allows my inner shadow a voice. I became an empty shell.


It has been over three weeks since I wrote my last word. I had to do something, so instead of writing, I turned to digital art. I had no idea what I wanted to create. Give me paint and a canvas, and I’ll have something which perfectly depict what I’m feeling. Digital art is still new to me, so a blank virtual canvas is what stared mockingly back at me. Searching the web, it finally came to me.


If you would have asked me three years ago who Neil Gaiman was, the answer would’ve been a vacant stare and a shrug. Now, I turn to him for inspiration. Since a child it had been ingrained into me that mistakes were not an option. My safety depended on it. It’s hard to turn that off once an adult. Mr. Gaiman’s words slowly started to sink in. I’m allowed to make mistakes, a lot of them. They shouldn’t be looked at as something negative, rather, something which will push you to excel. And even though I’ve never met this man, I woke up this morning and was able to write something…even if it’s only word vomit worthy.

Thank you!



Since writing this, I’m on the verge of completing a novella, the beginning of a new series. Moral of the story, NEVER give up! x


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